Interview…a Mom and Dad of Twins
1. Your name and some details about your twin or higher multiple baby (s) who died and other children (if any, living or previous losses)… Rebecca… We got pregnant three months after we got married – we were thrilled! At 7 weeks we found out we had two in there. After six weeks of bleeding/spotting, everything was going fine. My water broke April 24, 1997. I had no idea – just thought it was a “leaky bladder”. Labor was induced 4-29-97. Jack & Olivia were born and died on 4-30-97 at 21 weeks, 6 days. Emily Grace was born 4-4-98. The pregnancy was uneventful. I had a cerclage at 12 weeks. I was induced at 37 weeks because of pre-eclampsia and our 10-lb. bundle of joy finally arrived by c-section two days later! Because of a zillion complications for me after Em’s birth, I will probably not be able to get pregnant again. I have Ashermann’s Syndrome, which is excessive scarring in the uterus. We tried to break it up in February, 1999, but the latest tests show little improvement.
2. When I remember my baby(s), I… smile. Sometimes I cry, but they are happy tears. I wear a heart-shaped locket around my neck, inside are pictures of Jack, Olivia, and Emily Grace. They are the “babies in my heart” and I have them with me always.
3. The worst part is… seeing other twins – it is a constant reminder. I find I am drawn to them like I have to know how old they are, etc. The twin strollers, the matching outfits – they kill me.
4. I have coped with anger by… talking with Eric. Most of my anger was directed at myself – that I should have known – I did know but no one would listen. I’m not angry so much anymore. It passes.
5. I still have problems with… the always-asked, Is she your first? Just how do you respond to a complete stranger? No, actually my fifth – two early miscarriages, twins who died minutes after birth. But I think the worst is when family and friends introduce Em as our “first” even though they know all about the twins. She is not our first child…not even close, she should be number 5.
6. I have learned that… life is precious. Enjoy each day. Never go to bed angry. Never let your child cry herself to sleep, rock her as long as she’ll let you – too quickly she’ll want nothing to do with you. Cherish your children. Life is too short to have a clean house.
7. I no longer think that… Doctors are very bright. Actually, a good many of them are downright stupid, insensitive blokes. But some are absolutely great. Also, that pregnancy is a wonderful state. My last pregnancy was the scariest thing I have ever experienced.
8. I remember when… I complained about being pregnant and having twins. Now I’d give everything to have them back.
9. My partner (if any) and I feel close when… we spend time together as a family. I love watching Eric play with Em. She loves when he tickles her and chases her around the house. She sings the “da da da da” song all day until he gets home. We also talk on the phone at least once a day – just to check in.
10. The best times to remember my baby(s) are… I don’t think there is ever a bad time to think about Jack & Olivia. I never feel sad about them. When I think of them, I am calmed. It’s weird, but remembering them is always positive.
11. The worst times to remember my baby(s) are… none.
12. Sometimes I wish… I went to another doctor/hospital. I listened to my heart and instinctively knew something was wrong for days. It was me instead of them, but I know I will be with them again.
13. When I could handle it again, I did… go back to my job – then I left six weeks later. Now I’m back one day a week (Em’s grandmothers love it – they share her).
14. If I could choose whether or not to have twins again (or triplets or more etc. again)… I’d have 10 more if I could in whatever sets they came in. We are now dealing with not being able to get pregnant again. We have Em, but you know about all the best-laid plans…we were supposed to have a houseful. But we are adjusting.
1. Your name and some details about your twin or higher multiple baby(s) who died, and other children (if any, living or previous losses)… Eric – dad to Jack, Olivia and Emily Grace.
2. When I remember my baby(s), I… smile for the time that I had with them and cry for the times I don’t have anymore.
3. The worst part is…never seeing them grow up.
4. I have coped with anger by… putting all of my energy into making my marriage better, stronger and into raising my daughter. Also, I have learned not to hold it inside and that it is ok to cry when I miss them.
5. I still have problems with… not being able to help my wife or have any control over the situation. Seeing twins still bothers me, it makes my loss that much more acute. When family and friends seem to ignore the fact that I had two wonderful children who are no longer here, but will always be a part of me.
6. I have learned that… every moment of every day is priceless. Everything no matter how small or seemingly insignificant should never be overlooked. Life is too short to worry about things of little consequence. Children truly are God’s greatest gift. My wife and my marriage are stronger than I ever could have imagined.
7. I no longer think that… I have control over everything. That I’m young and can always have more.
8. I remember when… my daughter and son were born. Like it was yesterday… I held them for the last time and said goodbye for now.
9. My partner (if any) and I feel close when…we cry together and give each other just one glance and the other knows exactly what one is thinking
10. The best time to remember my baby (s) are… when I look at my daughter and I see a little bit of each one in there.
11. The worst times to remember my baby (s) are… There are no worst times, I never forget them.
12. Sometimes I wish… that I had 5 more minutes to hold each one of them. That they could play with and talk to their little sister. That it was me and not them.
13. When I could handle it again, I did… ?
14. If I could choose whether or not to have twins again (or triplets or more etc. again)… I would want to have twins again, but would be very scared.
Rebecca & Eric
…They did go on to have another subsequent daughter born at 35+ weeks, after a somewhat complicated pregnancy.