Trevor, Andrew & Joelle (poems #41)
A is for Anxious
my precious little girl
you leaked fluid for so long
were so sick
always I’ll love you.
B is for Bashful
my firstborn son
the shy one
you were so hard to find with the doppler
bravely you fought to live.
C is for Clever
My active little boy
Your movements would delight me
You’d wake up the other two
And enjoy snuggling up next to
Your Dad at night
Courage you showed on your day
Always remembered with love
Beautiful, clear images of a love I’d never known
And never will forget
…Her triplets Trevor, Andrew & Joelle were born prematurely on 11-9-88, and lived a little while after birth. She underwent fertility treatment again (this time as a divorced single mom facing early menopause) and lost Marcie Jean at 13 weeks along. Because of health problems, some stemming from the fertility medication, she was not able to try again or to adopt, and is now in her 40’s.
Interview … a mother of triplets and a subsequent “angel”…
1. Your name and some details about your twin or higher multiple baby(s) who died, and other children (if any, living or previous losses)… My triplets – Trevor, Andrew & Joelle – were born and died 11-9-88 at 26 weeks, after many complications. After my husband left, I tried again as a single mother facing premature menopause – but after weeks of severe hyper stimulation from metrodin, my daughter Marcie died at 14 weeks along, and I suffered long-term health issues. I’m happily remarried but not able to try again (or for adoption) because of medical and related reasons.
2. When I remember my baby(s), I.. feel I have lost something very special of myself and them.
3. The worst part is…people never remember them any more. And therefore we are childless.
4. I have coped with anger by… writing, walking.
5. I still have problems with… their birthdays and burial days. Baptisms, hearing about other people getting pregnant so easily.
6. I have learned that… I am not alone, others have lost all of their babies.
7. I no longer think that... it is essential to have my own baby.
8. I remember when... I first realized I was pregnant, and so many things. Also their funeral…and Marcie’s death.
9. My partner (if any) and I feel close when… we are able to see “us” as a family and do things together.
10. The best times to remember my babies are... Memorial Day when others are also at the cemetery.
11. The worst times to remember my babies are… Christmas, Mothers Day.
12. Sometimes I wish... I could have done something to change the outcome of both pregnancies.
13. When I could handle it again, I... began to “live” again. As for a long time, it was only to exist.
14. If I could choose whether or not to have twins again (or triplets or more etc.)... I would not risk it, with the knowledge of uterine rupture that I have now. However it has taken me years to feel this way.