Why One Plus One Will Never Equal Two

I’ve been thinking a lot about him this week because January 11th was his birthday. Besides Tanner’s birthday, Kylie and Nathan celebrated their second birthday.

How can I explain what it is like to feel myself slipping into the mode of agreeing with strangers about the duplicity of my children. Yet on the other hand, who wants a sob story every time they see cute kids and compliment the parents. Kind of like chocolate-covered pasture muffins. The outside may taste good but the aftertaste has a kick.

Don’t get me wrong. We are blessed beyond words for the beautiful children that we have, and I thank the Lord every day for their precious lives. But in a perfect world we would have one more high chair, one more crib, and one more pair of arms to hug and face to kiss.

I guess this letter is a way for me to remind myself that Tanner was here, he was real and that he was a triplet.

Before delivering our children at 26 weeks due to complications, I felt a little callused towards things I’d heard said concerning this train of grief. In fact, I even went as far as to whisper to myself that those who might have one or two surviving triplets should be glad for what they were given. Well, the cold hard facts kind of smack you up close and personal when you least expect it.

Losing one of three is bad; it is painful and will never add up to two. You always have a place where that third one should have been. No matter where you are in life and how wonderful of a time you’re having, you always have that little question tickling the back of your mind: “What would it have been like to have baby ‘B’ here?”

I appreciate reading things regarding surviving triplets. Even though I should reach out to a duo-specific publication, I feel like doing so would be to give in to twinness.

…Tanner (who had been the healthiest) died when the triplets were almost two weeks old, and Kylie and Nathan had difficulties but came home from the hospital three months later.