Interview

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1. Your name and some details about your twin or higher multiple baby/s who died, and other children (if any, living or previous losses)…

Jodi…I have an 8-1/2 year old son, Mark. After undergoing the ugly fertility treatments, they thought I was pregnant with triplets, but one turned out to be an empty sac. When I was 4-1/2 months pregnant I learned one of the twins disappeared through disappearing twin syndrome. My daughter, Jana, was born eight weeks premature, 365 miles from home when my son and I were on a doctor-approved vacation. Everything involved with bringing Jana into the world was quite an experience! Jana is now 6 months old, doing great, and one of the most loved babies in the world.

2. When I remember my baby/s, I…

Feel bad that I don’t know if the twin was a boy or a girl so that I could at least properly memorialize him …or her, in my mind. I’ll always remember the excitement when we thought we were going to have triplets and sometimes I wonder if the empty sac was actually a baby in God’s eye – doesn’t life begin at conception?

3. The worst part is…

Knowing so little about my twin baby and why he/she slipped away.

4. I have coped with anger by…

I haven’t had anger, just questions. It is just what happened. God and I have had our issues but they have been on other topics.

5. I still have problems with…

Being true to my feelings about what happened while dealing with family and friends. I tuck a lot of things away in my mind so they won’t think I’m nuts. I try to forgive them since they couldn’t know what it’s like and remind myself I’d have been just like them if I hadn’t been through the experience myself.

6. I have learned that…

When life goes a different direction than planned, one can either crumble to weakness or gather strength from it and move on. I know that I am a much stronger woman for what I have been through and I hope to culture that strength in my daughter.

7. I no longer think that…

“Science sex” (fertility treatments) is free of human emotion. I didn’t know my emotions had boundaries until I went through fertility treatments and then I had to put blinders on and go beyond the boundaries and hope I’d make it back in one piece when it was all through. I just kept walking.

8. I remember when…

I didn’t think getting pregnant, being pregnant, and giving birth to a child was anything but mainstream.

9. My partner (if any) and I feel close when…

I don’t talk about the emotional side of what happened with my husband. He deals with things in a different way than me and that’s okay. Somehow our marriage has become much more secure after all that happened (it had been a little fragile) and I can’t explain why.

10. The best times to remember my baby/s are…

Looking at the early ultrasound pictures and thinking about how excited I was to think and plan for triplets and later twins.

11. The worst times to remember my baby/s are…

What quickly brings me to tears is thinking about when my daughter was born (via c-section) and I asked to see the placenta. I didn’t tell anyone in the operating room that I was trying to see if I could find the twin that had died. My doctor at home had told me it would become part of the placenta and I wouldn’t be able to see anything, but I had to look anyway. The nurse was so kind. The placenta was in a bucket and she brought it over and kept turning it over, showing me which side was toward the baby and which side was toward the uterus…and I just wanted to see my baby and I kept looking but I couldn’t find it anywhere. Now I am crying again.

12. Sometimes I wish…

I wish I would have gone to a neonatologist sooner. My OB/Gyn always seemed too busy to answer my questions or order special tests or even get a good ultrasound (he said he saw two hearts beating but later I realized it was from the same baby but he was in too much of a hurry to get to his next patient to do a good check).

13. When I could handle it again, I did…

Everything moved so fast. I was expected to fall right back into the pattern of life after each fall. It wasn’t until I took the time to write the story of what happened that I felt I could come to grips with it and know how to move on from there.

14. If I could choose whether or not to have twins again (or triplets or more etc. again)…

I would have gone through what I went through all over again but I have my daughter now and, thankfully, I can close that chapter of my life. I feel I’m getting too old (38) and with two golden children in tow, it is time to move on with life. Of course, I’ll never forget or stop wondering about what happened and how life would have been different with twins…or triplets.

Jodi