Christopher & Kailee

I always thought as a little girl you just got married and had kids. Then you would all grow old together. I have learned the hard way that life is not that way. After trying for 7 years we decided it was time to get really serious if we were to have children. We watched all of our friends have children with no problems. In 1994-95 we started with a fertility doctor. We tried clomid, ZIFT but nothing worked. We went through IVF twice before getting pregnant. We had a successful pregnancy. We had a baby boy. We waited two years before going back to the doctor, went through more shots and through IVF twice. Around Christmas, I had to go in for blood work but I had started to spot so I figured that it didn’t work and this was a waste of time but the doctor said that sometimes that is normal to just come in for blood work anyway. I did and we were pregnant. We had beat Mother Nature twice, I felt so lucky! On January 12, 1998 we found out that we were having twins. I was so excited I had always wanted to have twins. Twins run in our families on both sides so our chances were there if we’d conceived naturally.

Things proceeded smoothly until May 8, 1998, Mother’s Day weekend (22 weeks along) when I went in for my first routine ultrasound with my OB. Life as we knew it would change. They took us in the room and tried to explain to us that one of my babies had anencephaly (the lack of most upper brain development) and it just happens to 1 out of 1,000 babies a year. That day we went home with all of our dreams shattered and in total disbelief that this was happening to us. They couldn’t guarantee us that we would make it to term. They told us that we might have seconds to minutes to hours they didn’t know. They told us all the things that could go wrong with this pregnancy. They couldn’t tell me if I’d have one or no babies. They told me that they wouldn’t do anything unless Mother Nature decided to.

That we were just going to take each day as it came. My stress level went through the roof from that day and until I delivered. They said you would never know it from my blood pressure. I began bi-weekly visits at 22 weeks going to 40 weeks to the day. Every week at these visits when the doctor would take the heartbeats I’d wonder would there be one or two, would they find anything else wrong…But they never did and I had two strong heartbeats all the way through. People would ask if I found out what I was having and I say no it really didn’t matter anymore. I just wanted to have two healthy babies. I remember after they told me that I was going to lose one of my babies I started to grieve but he quickly showed me that he was very much alive and going to be there for awhile.

In June we went and talked to our funeral director about what we wanted to have done for our little one. I wanted to have as much done as I could. We didn’t know what we were in for. I wanted to have things ready for him this was something that I could do for him. I didn’t have any other problems with the rest of my pregnancy.

In July we learned that both heads were down, to most people that would be good news. But I was worried because we were planning on a natural delivery and Christopher was lower than Kailee. I remember asking my doctor how he thought this would work and he kept telling me not to worry it will all work out. On September 8 they put me in the hospital to be induced…also to make sure that I’d get an epidural. Both heads where still down with Christopher going to be delivered first how he was going to do this I did not know but the doctor said not to worry about it…At 7:00 a.m. on September 9, 1998 my water broke (at shift change) and we were in real labor with no epidural. I was so scared as to this how was going to play out. My doctor said not to worry, it will all be fine.

At 8:00 a.m. Christopher John, 4 lbs. 4 oz. 16 in. long was born. The contractions stopped for a half hour Kailee arrived at 8:36 a.m. 8 lbs. 20 in. long. When Christopher came out they said that his color wasn’t good. They quickly cleaned him up and handed him to his daddy. Daddy held him for 10 minutes before giving him back to the nurse who said his color had improved. Christopher had the pinkish color he had made a big turnaround. For the first day Christopher would eat for us but by the second day he wouldn’t keep anything down. My husband and I could see that we were losing him very slowly. It amazed me as to how much a person could change in 24 hours. We would ask different questions but we always were given the same answer, We’re not going to investigate. I just wanted to scream, This is my child, do something for him! Even though I knew that there was nothing that could be done. They just keep telling us to enjoy this time we have together. But they weren’t the ones watching him die. We watched him have ten different little seizure before he passed. They say that children will go when they are ready and when it is good for the parents. We had our time with Christopher, he was with the nurses when he passed. Christopher was with us for 67 hrs. and 10 minutes before Jesus called him home. We are so thankful for the time that we had with him. Christopher may have been a small baby but he had a heart of gold. He was a very brave little man he protected his mom and little sister from all that should have happened to us but didn’t. Thank-you Christopher.

When I tell others about Christopher they are just amazed that he came out first, the delivery was natural and he lived for such a long time. The general public has no idea how to react to this, unless they have been through a loss of a child. My favorite thing people say to me is, You have a boy and a girl. Like they forgot all about Christopher-he is my son also.

We have been to doctors and they keep telling us that it was just something that happens to babies, there is no reason as to why us. It just happened. That is the hardest lesson because everything happens for a reason ( I thought). They tell us that our chances of reoccurrence aren’t any higher than before but I have a hard time believing this. They tell me that my children aren’t at a higher risk . I don’t know if they really know or are just trying to satisfy me. I don’t think I’ll know until they have children of their own.

Thank-you Christopher for being my son. You will always be in our hearts. You taught us so much in a very short time about life. You are sadly missed by your mom and dad and brother and twin. I know that all of our angels are running together. Thank you for listening to me.