Cade & Carson – Going on 4 Years
July 4th of this year it will be 4 years since we lost Cade and Carson due to premature labor, a complication of TTTS. If someone had asked me 4 years ago if I could mentally survive such a loss, I would have said, “Definitely Not”. But, through my faith and with my family’s support, I have survived and learned more than I ever thought possible. There is still not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Cade and Carson and I don’t want to ever have a day that I don’t think about them. We have their picture, taken at the hospital, on the shelf with the rest of our family pictures and we make them a part of our lives as much as we can, especially during certain holidays.
Our oldest son, Reece, was 4 years old when Cade and Carson died and he also remembers them being in mommy’s tummy and talks about them quite often. We now have a 15 month-old little girl (after a bout with cervical cancer) and we will see to it that she knows she has two brothers in Heaven. I know it will be harder for her to understand; but as long as we make Cade and Carson a part of our family I feel she will be able to also remember them as she grows.
It’s funny how “my ways” of keeping their memory alive and making sure that they continue to touch our lives has changed. During the first year after their loss, I was obsessed with making sure their grave was where my focus always was. As “our journey” continues though, I find myself searching and praying to God for ways to minister to other parents who have lost a baby or babies. I know that Cade and Carson are in a better place and I will be with them one day. I want other parents to have that same “peace”. Losing Cade and Carson is the worst pain I have ever gone through and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone; but there are so many things that are out of our control and there are no answers for us when it comes to such a tragic loss.
For those of you who have experienced your loss(es) recently and you still have so much pain, please know that there are others of us who have traveled this journey before and know your pain. The pain does lessen and you find a way to remember your beautiful baby(ies) in a special way that is all yours. The grieving never ends, it just is not so all-consuming. I will forever miss my babies and so will you. There will always be “things” that are hard for you to see – for me it is July 4th celebrations, double strollers, identical twins, the name(s) of Cade and Carson in the newspaper under “NEW ARRIVALS”.
For those of us who have learned so much about ourselves and know that the journey is difficult, we need to help others who are in so much pain and looking for someone who has “been there”.
Please pray for all parents who have lost a baby or babies or who are faced with making life and death decisions in so many NICU’s throughout the world. No one wants to be faced with the death of their children and all we can do is be there with an open heart and a shoulder to cry on.