1. Your name and some details about your twin or higher multiple baby⁄s who died, and other children (if any, living or previous losses)…

My name is Traci. I have a total of 5 boys, 4 living and 1 an angel. My youngest babies were born (twins) on August 7, 2008. My baby A Alexander Lee passed away sometime during the early morning of November 23, 2008 from SIDS. My oldest son Anthony is 8 and is taking it pretty rough, he witnessed everything from me screaming that Alex wasn’t breathing to the chaplain telling me that Alex had passed. My 3-year-old Eric is doing okay, he knows his brother died and is in heaven and not coming back. My 22-month-old is oblivious. And my surviving twin who is now 9 months old is doing well. I know he feels empty, he loves to look at pictures of his brother.

2. When I remember my baby⁄s, I… It all depends. Sometimes I remember him and it brings so much joy and smiles to me. And other times I am a wreck and am non-stop crying. When I want to remember him, I lock myself in his room and open his memory box. Smell his clothes and look at his pictures.

3. The worst part is…watching his twin brother. The everyday reminder that I should have 2 nine-month-old boys crawling and playing with each other.

4. I have coped with anger by…I scream. I literally will go to a park or somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs. This only happens very rarely but it feels very good to let it out.

5. I still have problems with…sleeping in my bed where I woke up to my son who was dead. I feel empty knowing he is not sleeping next to me. I have night terrors at times where I will wake up and relive the entire scenario of that horrific morning.

6. I have learned that…life still goes on whether you want it to or not. Your life may feel that it’s at a standstill but everyone around you is living. Sooner or later you have to start living again.

7. What surprised me the most was…how long it took me to realize that my precious baby boy was really gone and never coming back. It’s been 6 months today and it hit me about a month ago. And it hit HARD.

8. I no longer think that…my life will be complete and feel whole.

9. I remember when…my twins came home from the hospital, I thought it was going to be so hard but I slipped right into a routine. My little Alexander was a quiet smiley cuddlebug and he favored his momma. Xavier was a daddy’s boy from the get-go. Our family felt complete and we were doing so well. Alexander and Xavier loved to lie next to each other and just smile and coo at each other.

10. My partner (if any) and I feel close when… My husband and I have become very distant after the tragedy struck. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and cry at any time I feel I need to let go. On the other hand I feel as if my husband picked up where we left off the day after Alex’s funeral. He doesn’t talk about him.

11. The best times to remember my baby⁄s are…Any time. There is never a best time. I love to be reminded of him. Certain scents, or pictures, or even certain faces his twin makes reminds me of him.

12. The worst times to remember my baby⁄s are…When I am alone in my bed or alone in their room.

13. Sometimes I wish…That I had never fallen asleep on November 22, 2008. I know that SIDS is not preventable but somehow I feel that if I would have been awake I could have helped him.

14. When I could handle it again, I did… Opened “the box”. The box is what I got back from the police department of all my belongings they took, which included his blankets, pacifier, and some other random things. It has what I call the smell of death.

15. On their birthday (the most recent one)… This hasn’t happened yet. But I am looking for some ideas on how to honor Alex but at the same time make it about Xavier as well.

16. When someone asks me how many children I have… 5. I will always have 5.

17. If I could choose whether or not to have twins again (or triplets or more etc. again)… For right now I feel that I am not ready for any more, and don’t know that I ever will be. I feel that if I were to have another baby that I would be trying to replace the one I lost. So for now I would say I would choose to not have any more.

Traci Lewis

*** RIP My Little Monkey (Alexander Lee) *** Until We Meet Again