Q & A

Did you worry the entire pregnancy about the outcome? What helped you calm down and stop the constant worry? It took me until Marisa was about 19 months old and classified as all caught up to even think of getting pregnant again. I was so terrified that if I got pregnant too soon that I wouldn’t be able to give her the attention that she needed to catch up. Then of course I had so many uneventful months of trying new doctors and techniques that I had time to get mentally ready for this pregnancy. And then I still wasn’t sure if I was ready. My husband didn’t even think about bonding with the baby until after my u/s at 19 weeks, and it took me until I got into my second trimester to do much bonding for fear of getting losing this pregnancy.

When I passed the point where the girls were born and I did find a calming factor. Besides in comparison to their pregnancy, this one has been perfect! I feel that having a 36-week preemie was such a joy in comparison to 24 weekers, birth/death experience! There are no right or wrong answers here but this is what happened to me. Mary

I’m 23 weeks now (the triplets were born at 25 weeks and 4 days) and so far I’ve been a worrywart the whole pregnancy. I’m hoping that getting to 27 weeks (when they told us the triplets would have had an 80% chance of survival) will bring some relief from the worry. Am planning on asking for another u/s at 26 or 27 weeks and making that OB appointment to be 3 weeks instead of 4 weeks apart. I know the next few weeks will be hard. The OB did tell me in the beginning that the whole pregnancy I’d probably be nervous and it’d get the worst around the 25-week mark. Jane

Absolutely, lived with constant fear. Reassurance by my doctors who were very patient and understanding. Every time I called in fear that something was wrong they would always squeeze me in to show me (via heartbeat and/or U/S or non-stress test that baby was okay. Brenda

How long did you wait to tell friends that you were pregnant? We told everyone right away. The people I have in my life now are mostly “true blue” friends who’ve stayed throughout my losses and I felt like I’d want them to share my joy and even my sorrow if that came. Jane

I told everyone right away so that if there were any problems they would know what was going on without having to go into detail about it. Brenda

Was it difficult bonding with the child inside you– for fear you might lose that child too? After the positive test I still didn’t really believe it. It wasn’t until after the first u/s at 7 weeks that I started to allow myself the excitement. My grief/loss counselor suggested that I make a special effort to journal and bond with this baby from the beginning. She asked me if it would have really made any difference with Amber and Cheyenne as far as how much I hurt emotionally if I HADN’T bonded with them. The answer was NO. I felt lucky to have had what time I did have and the memories that I did have. So in the midst of fear I’ve tried to journal and start a scrapbook for this one. Jane

Most definitely. I shut down emotionally…would not allow myself to feel any joy for fear I would have to face a loss again. Brenda

How long after your tragedy did you decide to try again? This is something husband and I have been discussing back and forth for a while now. He feels very strongly that we are to be blessed with another baby. I however am very frightened to try again. I am very afraid to lose that baby. I think this is a question that can’t be answered in one way since it is so individual. Since the birth of the twins and then Isak’s death I have had such a mix of emotions on this subject. I’m not even sure if there will ever be a “right” time for us. I would be thrilled to have another baby, but at the same time scared stiff. I know these feelings are completely normal, but sometimes I feel so alone in this and wonder if I am strange to feel the way I do. Anyway, I guess I too, am just as curious as to when people felt it was okay to have another baby. I hope this made SOME sense! Angie

I was ready right away… I thought…I wanted another baby so bad after the birth of Ryan and the loss of Rachael. I have said many times that I think I would have gotten pregnant right away ready or not, but, because I was breastfeeding my cycles did not return until Ryan was 15 months old. I can say in retrospect that this was a blessing because I would not have been emotionally ready before then. As for my husband, he was very afraid that something would go wrong and felt he wouldn’t have the strength to make it through another loss. And honestly, I am not sure if I would have been able to face another loss either, but it was a chance I was willing to take. Junelle

Right after Mara died, I wanted to get pregnant again so badly. But I was breastfeeding, so it didn’t happen. And I can say that it was a good thing for us too that it didn’t happen that soon. I wouldn’t have been able to handle any other loss at that point. Hugs, Tawnya

We started trying about 2 years after our loss when I felt I was emotionally ready to deal with another pregnancy and the possibility of another loss without going totally crazy! Jane

We waited until our firstborn (a surviving twin) was 18 months old. Then tried to conceive. We lost that baby early in the first trimester and we waited the standard 3 months before trying again. At that point I was only going to give it a couple months since I wasn’t sure I could cope with not being able to pregnant. It took us over 18 months to get pregnant the first time. However, all subsequent pregnancies only took a few cycles. Brenda