Twin & Multiple Encounters…continued

The combination of the newsletter’s recent “Update” mailing, my columns on Twin Encounters in previous issues, and the calls and letters we’ve received from dear readers who are having to cope with living twins have brought forth so much of what many of us are having to deal with in this very painful area. (Jean also says that it is amazing how many people indicated in the Update information that they have living multiples among their relatives – and also how many readers have had more than one multiple pregnancy, with some successful – so there are many others as well.) Jean is going to share with you a “collage” of comments on what some people are dealing with; and then I’m going to make some comments about where we can go from here.

In 1964, I lost twins, Laura and Angela, at 5-1⁄2 months due to (we later found out) an incompetent cervix. It’s been 28 years now and although I’m certainly not grieving their loss any more, I still find myself looking long and hard whenever I see twin babies. (a support group leader who also lost other children)

My friend and I were at the park with all our kids yesterday and a woman walked up with twins. Both of us just about fell apart. Our entire day was ruined! We both wonder why it’s still so hard – almost 3 years for me, and 6 and 5 years for her. (a mom whose twin baby died unexpectedly at 2 weeks old…her friend lost triplets, and then lost a twin in-utero – both involved in support)

The pain we felt in losing our twins was brought back by attending Lamaze classes for our new baby’s birth (there was a couple expecting twins) as did so many other moments in my pregnancy and delivery. A co-worker’s wife was also expecting twins and don’t you know she had her prenatal appointments every time I did and we actually saw them as I was pushing the baby out! (She was there for a test.) It seems I have those twin encounters almost daily. One day I was walking our dog and passed a playground full of kids, probably 200 of them – of all those kids two of those who came over were identical twin boys. It seems like punishment at times! (a mom who lost her twin sons)

I sometimes feel like I’m a MAGNET for twins!! It never ceases to amaze me how I can be having a perfectly normal day and suddenly be overshadowed – someone talking about their friend who is pregnant with twins, some encounter in a store or a parking lot, some commercial, some kids at a birthday party or in the park. (a lot of people, including myself, and Jean)

I have a third cousin who lives in the East whom I wouldn’t know if I tripped over her, but she had identical twin girls about a month ago and it upsets me. My brother told me this, and I had pangs of jealousy that really surprised me, because I thought I didn’t begrudge people their healthy twins any more. I guess I just don’t like them to be related to me. My biggest fear is that everyone’s going to ooh and aah and say are there any other twins in the family, and everyone will have forgotten that I had twins too. (a mom whose identical twin daughter died when they were 6 months old, 5 years ago)

For three years I’ve had to cope with my brother and sister-in-law having fraternal twins, and they live near us. Now, in addition to everything else that comes up, I had a long letter from an old friend of mine – she’s now pregnant with triplets and wrote for ten pages about what it’s like without even mentioning my son Jason or my fullterm twin pregnancy. (myself)

I am a twin, and so is my mother…Losing my twin baby is very difficult, especially when it was so useless. (a new reader)

I have twins now, after 8 years of infertility, but my heart is still broken for my triplets who died. (a “dear reader”)

It seems that lately I’ve been thinking about our lost twin a lot, I guess because as our 2-year-old twins get older, I see the special closeness they have and it makes me so sad for my oldest son, because I can see firsthand what he lost. (another dear reader)

It’s very hard now, this was such a special age for my other twins, discovering each other. (another dear reader)

People always comment on my twins – but I want to tell them, You think that’s something, my “single” son is actually a quadruplet! (and my twins began as triplets). (a dear reader)

Our oldest daughter is expecting twins in 6 weeks. I’m jealous, happy, anxious, sad – all at the same time. With her other children, she will need lots of help. We think the Lord has given us another chance with twins, but still want ours back. Lots of you understand these feelings, but few of the people in our family and friends. Love to you all. (the mom of a young, handicapped surviving twin)

As a nursery nurse I sometimes have to take a deep breath when faced with a boy/girl twin birth, but my heart really does flip-flops if one of those twins gets sick. (one of our many readers who are also newborn care nurses)

Becky C. and I were talking on the phone when another over-40 celebrity was interviewed on TV with her newborn twins (though we liked the 47-year-old part). I turned it off feeling less guilty because I thought Becky had already. (Jean)

About the new AT&T ad with the triplets – is it wrong for me and others to feel that it is unnecessary? It just makes me feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. Maybe I’m overreacting, there are plenty of commercials with twins (although I don’t particularly like them either). What do others think? (a mom who lost her triplets after infertility and now has a subsequent baby)

Everyone only sees everyone bringing home three or more (or two or more) with no problems at all. I really felt like a failure until I heard there are others who have had problems. It is risky and people need to see both sides and know there is help. It is not as successful as you see on TV and read in books and magazines. (a mom who recently lost her in-vitro triplets)

This is SO true and has been a pet peeve of my husband’s and mine. We feel, however, this can be taken a step farther and related to premies – not all premies experience a happy wonderful outcome either, even those who survive. We have seen many articles and some TV programs with very tiny babies who have survived against the odds without any ill effects. While the medical profession should be proud of their accomplishments, we know that many premies suffer lifelong complications and/or don’t make it, something that parents are left to cope with. We really believe that the general public doesn’t understand what an NICU is all about or what these babies actually go through. So much can go wrong. (the parents of an older surviving premie twin who has special needs)

Our feelings are normal! no matter how much we have coped and gone on. I have yet to meet a bereaved multiple birth parent who didn’t feel cheated, and who didn’t see multiples of the same number and wonder Why her and not me? (or, Why not me this time?) My own loss of Jason has healed so much over the past 4 years, with time and support – and yet I’m not sure I’ll ever stop reacting to seeing healthy twins. The best thing I ever did and that you can do is TALK to others who understand – your feelings are valid and worth talking about…and it truly helps.

In future columns, we’d like to explore some topics that go with this. One is, Are there any good responses to those commercials, magazine articles, etc. ? (besides breaking the TV or throwing away the magazine). Our dear reader Laura J. recently wrote a very frank letter to a Chicago-area magazine that had done a large spread on some twins, talking about how no one had ever given her advice on how to raise a twinless twin, and mentioning CLIMB – they printed it right up top next time and we’ve received contacts. What can we do to let the world know about the tragic side of multiple births – both for our sake, and so that everyone won’t be lulled into thinking that a multiple conception automatically means an equal number of healthy, cute, affluent babies? Another topic is, How do you tell others that you had twins or triplets or more? Or do you tell others, if so how and when? We know this is a biggie for all of us, and has so much to do with how people relate to twin or multiple encounters (and some of the things that can come up if someone else doesn’t know or acknowledge that you did too). That also relates to what some readers are struggling with in telling an “older” survivor who hasn’t been told yet that he or she is a twin or more, and to parents’ decisions about telling a child he had older twin or more siblings who died. We would really welcome people’s comments, quotes, questions, and experiences with telling⁄not telling others (and would also really appreciate hearing from anyone about how they told their older survivor). And please call me or write anytime, about anything.

Marcia D.