Survivors

One of the main reasons that CLIMB first came together was the need of those of us who had experienced the death of one of our twins or higher multiples during pregnancy, or at or after birth, to find some support in raising our surviving baby(s). We were meeting more and more parents who like us were facing this unimaginable and bittersweet challenge – for many of us, as first-time parents (and some, after many years of infertility). Even while we were newly experiencing our loss, we all had so many questions and issues for which there was almost no information or support, such as:

– Does a baby whose twin died before or at birth miss its twin? Does it make a difference if the babies were identical or fraternal?
–What effects might it have on him or her? Are surviving twins bound to feel lonely or sad, or always feel like someone is missing? Do survivors feel “survivor guilt” that they lived and the other baby died?
–Will my own grief affect my baby? Is it ok to be sad or cry in front of my baby?
–When and how do I tell my surviving child about his or her twin who died, and how do I help my child understand without feeling overshadowed by it? Why would or wouldn’t I tell him or her in the first place? If I don’t talk about it, will my child even know?
–How do I explain when we don’t even know why the other baby died? How can I help my child not feel to blame for what happened?
–Is there such a thing as talking about it too much, or being too honest, or telling my child too much?
–Is it ok if my child doesn’t seem to remember or miss his twin?
–How can my child feel that he or she was truly enough for us, when we so much wanted and miss our twins, and our other baby?
–How do I deal with birthdays? and other landmarks and special days?
–How do I deal with all the daily reminders of what should have been? looking at my one baby and “seeing” two?
–How do I deal with the terrible fear that something will happen to this baby too – and still not be too “overprotective”? What IS overprotective? Does the fear ever end?
–Should I tell others that my child is a surviving multiple? Do I refer to him or her as a twin?
And for some – How do I deal with my surviving triplets or quads being called twins or triplets? or – How do I tell my child there were two, three or more others who didn’t survive?

Some years later, and after mostly raising our own children, we have what you could call good news and bad news. The bad news first: still not enough is really known, and there are no scientific studies that would answer some questions. Because of how difficult, if not impossible, they would be to do, it’s not likely there will ever be any truly definitive studies, though there is probably some progress that could be made. The good news is that there are many surviving twins and multiples who are growing up to be happy and emotionally healthy – and among them, many who know about and love their twin, while not feeling overshadowed or “weird” in any way.

The other bad news is that there is no one obvious “right” way for parents to relate to all of this, and it IS really so complicated and can be so exhausting. But the best news is that parents have no reason to fear that their child will have an unhappy or strange life no matter what we do. We really do all have the possibility of a good life for and with our surviving child or children, even with the loss of our baby and the loss of the babies growing up together. In many ways (though it sounds strange at first) relating to it is like raising a child who is adopted, and who knows it – we’ll explore that more in some of the articles below.

We hope that this section will be helpful to you in finding your and your family’s way among these bittersweet challenges. These articles and other sections are about some of the aspects of all of this, and we welcome and encourage personal stories and other articles, as well as feedback, experiences, and suggestions. Though it primarily relates to survivors of pregnancy, birth, and infancy losses, we are also developing a section below about survivors of “older” loss, the loss of a multiple as toddlers or in childhood. Be sure to see also the articles about survivors by Elizabeth Pector MD in our Bibliography.

Coming:

• dealing with others and how to label our survivor(s)
• the adoption analogy
• talking to a young survivor, and questions children ask as they grow
• “telling” an older child
• special needs and multi-handicapped survivors
• photos
• birthdays and other special days
• survivors of “older” losses
• personal experiences, stories
• FAQ’s