Dads

From the very beginning of CLIMB, we’ve heard from a great many dads who have suffered the loss of one or more of their multiple birth babies or children. Though they may be trying to be calm, it’s not hard to hear their own anguish along with their concern for their partner who is devastated. There are also some dads who have been and kept in touch over the years, and many who have come out to the CLIMB gatherings and talked movingly of their experience of loss and coping – or not talked, but had their feelings and experience validated along with seeing that their partner’s feelings are normal.

In this section are some of the things that dads have shared in our newsletter. We hope that this and some features that we hope to add will be helpful by expressing what some of the emotions and realities are for fathers. At the same time, not everyone is alike, and not all life situations and loss situations are alike. No one should feel badly if you (or your babies’ dad if you are the mom reading this) don’t feel this way, or don’t seem to – especially since there is so much pressure put on men not to grieve, as some of these dads so eloquently point out. (Also, we don’t mean to imply that there is always a dad – there are quite a few single moms out there, and also some families with “two mommies”, and we welcome these experiences too.)

There are a number of books on pregnancy and infant loss that talk about the grief of fathers. One of these with an excellent section on fathers is Deborah Davis’s Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, and A Silent Sorrow also has a section. (see our Bibliography) Everything that is said in these books applies also to fathers who have lost one or more of their multiples. We think that there are also some additional things about multiple pregnancy that make dads’ experiences unique and even more complicated:

· Dads tend to be very involved in the pregnancy – and for many, even earlier while trying to conceive with fertility technology. Bedrest, miscarriage of a twin or triplet, difficult decisions about selective reduction, hospitalization and monitoring of the mom, treatment for twin transfusion syndrome – all these and more can be part of the pregnancy. Frequent ultrasounds and early bonding to both or all the babies are also realities for many dads.

· The last part of the pregnancy and the delivery are likely to be medically traumatic. Many men watch their partners experience physical suffering, and some see their wives nearly die from blood loss or other complications at delivery. Whatever the outcome with the babies, many are so relieved that their partner lived.

· Situations can be so complicated by the number of babies and conditions. Some fathers find themselves at another, more specialized hospital with the multiple who is sick and dying – alone while making medical decisions and being with that baby while mom and the healthier baby are at the original hospital far away. After the loss of both or all the babies, it is not uncommon for one parent (usually the mom) to be completely involved in grieving for the babies, while the other (usually the dad) is watching out for the mom because she is so devastated, and then he is focused on trying again. After the loss of one twin or triplet or higher with a survivor (or more), it is common for one parent (usually the mom) to be focused on the loss, with the other (usually the dad) focuses solely on the survivor. Maribeth Doerr, founder of PenParents, has commented that multiple birth loss with a survivor creates the unique possibility of denying that a loss happened at all – “There was the pregnancy, here is the baby.” Denial is a very tempting thing for any griever, and in our society men tend not to like what they can’t fix, so it can be even more tempting to these dads. Add to that everything involved in the care of a surviving baby or babies who are likely to be preemies. One dad – with two surviving triplets and two other children, all age 3 and under – was very afraid that if his wife went ahead and grieved as she needed to for the triplet who died, she would fall apart and not be able to care for the other children. So he forbade her to grieve, and justified it by denying that there had been a loss. (The mom, of course, was afraid of what would happen to her and her caring for the other children if she did NOT get to take time to grieve.)

And then there is just the sheer reality of those babies. One dad, who had let his wife more or less lead them through the infertility treatment process, experienced seeing his own children for the first time when their twins were born prematurely. Sick and dying as they were, his first exclamation was how incredibly beautiful they were and how they needed to have many more of these. Multiples multiply the ways in which dads fall in love with their children.

Most dads do well over time but there are many pitfalls – and there are many fathers who later wish that they had asked for and sought more support for themselves than what they did…Relationships are another issue, and we recommend Deborah Davis’s chapter on couples. We (and others) do think that some of the statistics that people hear out there about a high percentage of marriages ending in divorce after loss are an overestimate – and many couples become even closer. But as with grieving itself, there are certainly some pitfalls and some complications that are unique to or accentuated by multiple birth loss. It seems to be really important for couples to pay attention to their relationship and to their respective ways of reacting to the loss from the earliest time and seek counseling, if only as an insurance policy, so that there will not be fall-out 4 or 5 years later and they can be unified in raising and enjoying their surviving or subsequent children.

Special thanks to these fathers. Please note that there are several items by dads in the SIDS section, too. Before long we hope to add some interviews with dads to this section – and suggestions for other features are welcome. Those who have lost a twin are encouraged to see William Woodwell’s Coming to Term: A Father’s Story and also Following Foo. (see our Bibliography)